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Post by Izaya on Nov 25, 2011 21:19:18 GMT -5
Hello there, while this is a nice app and all, there are few bits I'm quite concerned about. Off points- && Personality- While you have three good paragraphs, I'm sorry to say he's like every generic France I've seen. Don't get me wrong, you have a good basis, but there is nothing expanding it. At all. While I think you have potential to expand, you're going to need to. What's his reaction to his dislikes, what's his reaction to his likes. What does he think about, what does he feel like his personality is. Why does he self-loathe? Why does he hate himself. Is he afraid of someone finding out? There's nothing really there to explain or illustrate any thought behind those actions. In the RP sample, he jumped really quickly to sounding sleepy to a pervert. Why did he jump like this? While I understand that he likes female attention, what drives him so? There's not much of a explaination in the history, personality, or rp sample. It just seems really jumpy. While I don't doubt you could show your difference in a rp, maybe you could show some difference in the app first. && Likes and Dislikes- Why does he dislike/like those things? They seem like generic likes and dislikes. Why does he like to swim? Is there anything strange he likes or dislikes? Your dislikes seem more thought out than your likes. While this really isn't bad, maybe you could pick another like or two to even out the playing field. && RP Sample - The last paragraph is really really jumpy of a mood swing. I'm confused to why he jumped so quick from one extreme to another. Why would the teacher let him sleep just cause he complimented him? This is mostly my bias, and it's not really all that horribly bad, but I'm confused. && Strengths/Weaknesses Some of your strengths are a bit of the same, and I don't know where his tendency to blend in/find a blind spot in something comes in anywhere else on his app. Talking one on one, and to a group is a bit of the same, and so is Easily discouraged/Gives up without direction. That's a bit of the same. Good Points && Likes and Dislikes- They aren't horribly bad or cliche. I do like that you added swimming, since that was something that was unique. But I'm still wishing to know -why- he likes to swim. How did he start on poetry and the like. Dislikes are a bit run of the mill, but they aren't too horribly standard. Maybe you could mention his dislikes for something else? Like a animal, or clowns, or something of the sort. && Strengths/ Weaknesses I like how you said that he could be good with people, that's a good weakness, and that writing, photography, and artistic talent is added into the app and spoke of more than once. Also talking to other people also goes in and shows up more than once. I would like to see a bit more elaboration or varying strengths and weaknesses and that would do you well for any app. && RP Sample- I don't think it's horribly bad. I think you wrote three good paragraphs, and didn't repeat yourself too much, or use standard words. I'm a bit confused by the jump as stated before, but it's not bad, but it could use some work. Maybe talk about the time of day, or the temperature. Boring filler is a great way to fill out a post with easy and simple comments. Those are mostly my main points, so if you need help just PM or whatever and I'll try to help out. Thank you for the time~ -Izaya!
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Post by Olivia on Nov 26, 2011 21:50:28 GMT -5
Since the application is gone, I'm going to moved this to the denied applications.
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